The Philosophy of Violet

No ‘tolerance’ for sluts…

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 17:33:48 +0000

Why is it that society has taught us that if a guy has sex with (or even sometimes just goes on dates with) many women then he’s successful, more desirable, and a stud, but if a women does the same then she’s devalued, damaged and a slut? Sure, we’d like to believe that we’ve evolved as a society to be open and accepting of a person’s choices. This can be exemplified by the decriminalization/legalization of marijuana and homosexual marriages in many places, but the truth of the matter is, we are not accepting of these things – we have merely become tolerant of them.

(Note: I’m referring to society as a whole, as there will always be enlightened individuals who do not conform to the public opinions)

Tolerance implies an opposition, a difference, and an indulgence. What it really means is a judgement. Tolerance is ‘putting up with’ something/someone, and it could even be interpreted as a burden. Instead of merely tolerating, we should strive to be accepting. There’s a big difference here. Acceptance is defined as the act of taking or receiving something offered. Acceptance is exclusive of judgement. Acceptance is comparable to acknowledgement and recognition. It is seeing things as they are, without bias, whether or not they are in line with your beliefs.

So coming back to my original question. Why is it that a man can have as many sexual partners as he chooses, for his own personal reasons, but if a woman does the same, she’s labelled a slut? More importantly, why have we given so much weight to the word ‘slut’ and why have we warped it’s definition to be such an offensive insult?

Some of the common definitions of slut are:

A dirty, slovenly woman.
An immoral or dissolute woman, a prostitute.
A woman of low character who lacks the ability or chooses not to exercise a power of discernment over her sexual partners
A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.

…but really what it comes down to is that a slut is someone who is having more sex than you think they should be. We can rule out the first definition because poor hygiene (dirty) or untidiness in dress or appearance (slovenly) are not indicative of who or how many people a person has sex with. The second definition is out because being indifferent to moral restraints as applied to immoral or improper conduct is entirely subjective and can only be defined by how that person is judged, which rules out a concrete definitive. And sluts aren’t prostitutes because prostitutes have sex in exchange for value/money, whereas there doesn’t need to be a value exchange for someone to be a slut. The third definition, a woman who is undiscriminating in who she has sex with could be defined as a slut, but at the same time a woman who is entirely discriminating in who she has sex with but still has many partners could be defined as a slut. The only definition that comes close is the last one, a sexually promiscuous woman.

Sexual promiscuity is having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners. If a guy does this, he’s ‘the man’, he’s a stud and he’s accepted. When a woman has casual sex with different partners, she’s a slut. WTF? Why is it so wrong that a woman freely make up her mind about who she’d like to have sex with, consciously for her own reasons, to suit herself and her needs? Why does society still need to stick it’s nose into these women’s personal lives and choices? Society has charged the word slut with so much power that it’s become an offensive insult, but we (as individuals) need to reclaim the word as something empowering, or just stop using it entirely.

Does it make sense that a woman with a professional career, that perhaps travels the world for business and doesn’t have time to take care of children or maintain a marriage, remain abstinent? Should a woman who enjoys sex and actively chooses partners that she feels sexual chemistry with, and has sex with them because she wants to have a good time, despite not wanting to get married (maybe not now, maybe not ever) be shamed for not fitting into someone else’s idea of what she should do? Should a woman who is wearing something that is more revealing than something another woman would be comfortable with be outcast because she is confident and comfortable showing more of her body? Or for that matter, should a woman who was raped and had sex forced on her be labelled a slut because ‘she was asking for it‘?

Of course not!

If someone is having more sex than you think they should be having, you need to recognize that the problem is YOU, and not them. They are living their life and making decisions that affect themselves, and who is anyone else to say they should do otherwise?! Removing judgement, removing tolerance and replacing it with acceptance is the only answer. Accept that you live your life for yourself, and other people live life for themselves, and their lives and decisions may be different from your own. There’s nothing wrong with that, it is what it is. If we (as individuals) accept everyone, men and women, for who they are and the decisions they make, and speak up when someone is labelling someone else as a slut, then we (as a society) can remove the word slut from our list of insults, and quite frankly, lose the need to insult anyone at all!

Everybody wins.

xo Violet

p.s. here’s a video that Jenna Marbles put out around Halloween last year talking about slut-shaming… and she’s awesome

Forgiveness – a gift you give yourself

admin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:39:54 +0000

Forgiveness is a concept that many believe they understand, but very few actually do.

for·give

[fer-giv] verb, -gave, -giv·en, -giv·ing.

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

What stands out in the definition here is not that it’s something you grant someone else, nor is it offering relief to someone else, but the ability to release yourself from the burden you are carrying and to let go of the negativity that harbouring this ‘unpaid debt’ has caused in you. Forgiveness is not something you give to someone else, it is a gift you give to yourself.

The definition of forgiveness has been distorted to be understood as an almost tangible thing that you can give to someone else. It has been assumed that because someone has offended you that they now have a debt, an obligation to you, and that you have the power to relieve them of that burden. While you can relieve someone of a physical debt, unless you forgive yourself of the burden of being owed that debt, you may not get the closure you seek. You see, the burden lies on you, and it is something you carry with you, that prevents you from moving past this offense and moving on with your life. You can offer forgiveness to the offending party all you want, but if you don’t forgive yourself, then whenever you recall the incident, you will still feel the hurt, the resentment, and the assumed debt for said offence.

Let’s take a look at a really simple example to help explain what I mean.

Let’s say that you loan your friend your car for the evening, and while he’s out he gets into a car crash and your car is damaged. Maybe it just needs some body work to smooth out some dents, or maybe it’s something as serious as needing a new axle… it really doesn’t matter. When you find out about the accident & after you find out your friend is okay, you’re fuming with anger, kicking yourself for lending your car out, pissed off that your friend was so careless as to get into a crash, frustrated that now you don’t have a car for a week while it’s in the shop, and upset that you now have repair costs to consider and an almost certain increase in your insurance rates. You feel betrayed, even though your friend didn’t plan to screw up your car!

Your friend is genuinely apologetic, and even offers to pay for the damages. It might take you a few days or even longer, but you let your friend pay for the repairs and you tell him you forgive him. After all, he is your friend and you realize that you still want him as a friend…but you vow to never again lend him your car! All seems well, right? Well, it mostly is, until one day your friend needs a car and you notice he rents one rather than ask to borrow yours again, and you remember his offense and think to yourself, “That’s right! You won’t be borrowing my car any time soon after what you did!” Then at another time a different friend asks to borrow your car and those same feelings of betrayal, the same anxiety of knowing your insurance rates have gone up because of what your friend did, and remembering the inconvenience of not having a car for a week or two while it was being repaired. You may even resent that you feel so overprotective of your car now, since your friend had crashed it, and you might even feel a little guilty for not being a ‘good friend’ because you wont lend your car out. Whichever.

…but you forgave your friend, right? So why do you still feel all this negativity, betrayal and resentment?

It’s because you didn’t forgive yourself.

Let’s re-examine the definition of forgiveness again:

1. To grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.

Instead of seeing this as something you grant someone else, grant it to yourself. Choose to absolve the ‘debt’ and consider it resolved. Allow yourself to let it go, whether it’s been physically paid off (if appropriate) or simply a loss you opt to take in order to get rid of the awful feelings associated with said debt. If it does mean you are going to cut your losses and move on, then actually do it. Forgive yourself for hanging onto the debt for as long as you have, accept that you are letting go of the stress and anxiety over this previously ‘unpaid’ debt, and give yourself permission to relieve yourself of it.

2. To give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.).

As above, if the debt has been collected, then let go of any entitlement you feel towards it. There is no need to harbour negativity over a resolved situation. If you are taking a loss in order to forgive the debt, then acknowledge your decision, and let it go. Even if you are in-between the two, and have reason to believe a tangible debt will be repaid at some point, accept that and move on. Spending any time worrying over that debt does not benefit you. In that case you are only allowing yourself to hold on to the resentment.

3. To grant pardon to (a person).

In this case, grant pardon to yourself! You can ‘forgive’ someone else all you want, but until you forgive yourself, that forgiveness can’t actually free you from the emotional attachment you have to the offending event.

4. To cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.

Again, this is allowing yourself to relieve the feeling of ‘lopsidedness’ in a situation where you feel something is owed to you. Forgive yourself and return to the previous state of equality that you experienced before the offense, or forgive yourself and move on, choosing to extricate yourself from any further personal investment in the offending situation. Accept what has happened, and govern yourself accordingly, without ill will, resentment or negativity.

5. To cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

As above. If you are going to accept a debt as paid, whether it is or not, in order to free yourself from the situation, then do so and move on accordingly.

This applies to not only physical debts, like the example with your friend crashing your car, but emotional debts as well. If a friend betrays your trust in some way, perhaps shares something you told in them in confidence, you can feel all sorts of anger and resentment towards them, and hang on to it for a long time, letting that negativity poison your thoughts, or you can accept that it happened and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not seeing in advance that this person couldn’t be trusted and move on being more careful with what you trust them with, or if you feel you cannot have this person in your life, then forgive yourself for not recognizing this sooner, and move on, cutting your ties to them. Holding on to the resentment of what they did doesn’t help anyone. It does not advance your ability to trust others, nor does it ‘fix’ your mistrust in the offending person. Accept that person for who they are, and either choose to have them in your life or not. But forgive yourself and let all the heavy emotions go. You have already suffered from the offense, you do not need to suffer it again and again and again.

~Violet

Obligation

admin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:48:12 +0000

I.O.U
Burden
Commitment
Contract
Debt
Duty
Necessity
Responsibility
Requirement

Obligation.

I can’t stand obligation. It’s one of those things that truly makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable, and I do my best to avoid it if at all possible.

Now, I was aiming to post this around the 2011 winter holiday season, but it applies to more than just holidays, so I’ll post it today.

While I enjoy spending time with family and friends over the holidays, I secretly despise the holidays themselves and dread the inevitable and obligatory gift exchange. Don’t get me wrong, a truly thoughtful and heartfelt gift is always welcome, but gifts given out of a sense of obligation are both uncomfortable not only for the giver, but for the recipient as well.

“It’s christmas, so I have to get something for mom, dad, sis, my best friends Kelly & Jane, my room-mate, my neighbour, my boss, etc. But what do I get them? How much money do I have right now, and how much can I afford to spend on each of them? Will that be enough or will they think I’m being cheap? What if I forget someone?”

Obligatory gift giving causes a lot of stress. Not only does it have you examining your financial situation and your available budget for said gifts, but also there’s pressure on you to get ‘the right gift’ so that you aren’t judged negatively for buying a gift that is not thoughful enough/not expensive enough/too expensive/whatever.

Think about that office party gift exchange where everyone had drawn names from a hat and you ended up having to buy for the new guy who had only been there for a month, and you haven’t gotten to know him yet so you have no idea what to get him. Or perhaps you were the new guy, and you got the name of the popular office administrator who had been with the company for years, but you didn’t know what to get her, and you didn’t want to look bad for not getting something appropriate. As though the burden of having to get someone a gift just because you are obligated to isn’t bad enough, there’s also the burden of finding something acceptable, and that awful awkward moment when the gift is given and both the giver and the receiver are both putting on their best act of being surprised and appreciative, whether they like the gift or not.

It’s a whole big mess of ‘no fun.’

Sure, you might be saying, what about the person who thinks about what you would really like, and goes out and buys you those Broadway tickets you’ve lamented on always wanting, but have yet to take the plunge. That’s a thoughtful gift, and certainly something you desire, so what’s the problem with that? Well, my question is *why* did they get you those tickets?

1) Christmas was fast approaching & you were on the list of people they felt they should buy gifts for

2) They took the time to think about you and figure out what you’d like to have

3) You’ve mentioned again and again how you’ve always wanted to see a Broadway play

4) They examined their financial situation, and decided they could afford getting you tickets to a Broadway play

Now, those reasons don’t sound too bad, in fact, most of them sound terrific. Thoughtful, heartfelt, sincere, and generous. …As long as you ignore #1. How can a gift be coming from a truly sincere place, if the reason it was purchased was because a particular holiday prompted it? Now, an argument to my point might be that the holiday was simply a reminder for someone to think about their friend and give a heartfelt gift not because they felt they had to, but because they wanted to, and that’s cool. What I’m talking about are the gifts that you give because you feel you have to, because you should, because it’s your obligation to fulfil.

Gifts you get because you know (or think) that someone is getting you a gift, so you don’t want to receive a gift without giving one back.
Gifts you get because you were put on a gift exchange list and you have to participate, or be ostracised and judged by the group.
Gifts you get because you’d feel embarrassed going to your friend’s house around the holidays without bringing a gift
Gifts you get because that’s just how you’ve done it your whole life, concerning the particular occasion (birthday, Christmas, graduation, etc)

If you are only buying gifts because someone is buying one for you & you feel you have to reciprocate, ask yourself why you feel that way? Quite possibly you may think that the person would be upset with you for not gifting back, or would feel ‘left out’ or looked over. You might think they’d interpret your not having a gift for them as your not caring enough about them to give a gift, or maybe something as simple as they felt that because they got you a gift, you owe them one. In all of these scenarios, you must take a step back and recognize that these feelings of anxiety and discomfort are self-generated and you are putting them on yourself. First of all, if someone gave you a gift because they sincerely wanted to give you something thoughtful that you would appreciate, then why should it matter if you have something for them too? Enjoy the love and sincerity and thoughtfulness that comes with an un-prompted gift.

Giving should be something you choose to do because it makes you feel good to do it.

You should never gift when you are doing so because it’s something you feel you have to do. That you are obliged to do. No matter how thoughtful the actual gift is, if the reason you bought the gift in the first place was because you felt obligated to, then you need to re-think your priorities.

A gift or a present is the transfer of something, without the need for compensation that is involved in trade. A gift is a voluntary act which does not require anything in return. Even though it involves possibly a social expectation of reciprocity, or a return in the form of prestige or power, a gift is meant to be free (Wikipedia)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore truly thoughtful, sincere ‘any-time’ gifts. For example, a friend of mine got me this really cool tin of mints that was in the shape of “Inky,” the blue ghost from pac-man, because she knew I had made an Inky dress. It was for no other reason except that she saw it and it made her think of me and she thought I would appreciate having it. It was so sweet of her to think of me, and knowing that it wasn’t prompted by any sort of need or obligation allowed me to really appreciate it. I felt no anxiety of ‘oh no, I don’t have anything for her’ or anything of that sort, I simply felt wonderful, knowing that she was thinking of me and wanted to show it. I’m sure she felt great, bringing a smile to my face and some cheer to my day. It made us both feel really good.

On the other side of things, many years ago, one Christmas I was staying at a friends house and got to experience their family gift exchange. It was actually quite upsetting. They sat in the living room around the tree and distributed the presents to their recipients, all the while making comments on how big that one was, or just how many presents mom has so far, and it was all about quantity and acquisition rather than the spirit of giving. They were more concerned with what they got, and once done, if there was any more! You could see the insincerity in the faces of the ones who opened up something they didn’t particularly want, as they plastered a smile and give an obligatory “Gee, thanks, dad, this is really swell!” I felt so uncomfortable and I was just visiting and not actually a part of the gift exchange. The moment that topped it off for me was when the mother grabbed one of the empty gift bags, and said she’d be right back, then returned with the same gift bag, now filled with something, handing it to me saying “Santa left one for you too!” As it turned out, she had gone into her bedroom and found something, anything that seemed gift-worthy, and presented it to me as though she had planned it all along. I smiled and thanked her, not knowing what else to do at that point.

Okay. I don’t want to suggest that this is the only way it can be, either sincere and genuine or completely fake and obligatory. It simply isn’t true. Sometimes you have to make decisions, compromises, in order to best facilitate the situation. For example, if your family has been doing a gift exchange at birthdays, to all of a sudden announce you aren’t going to buy dad a gift for his birthday next week would cause a lot stress and anxiety for the family. You might go ahead and continue to get presents, knowing that you are doing so to ensure that the holiday goes smoothly without any tension caused by you, and while you may not agree with the obligation of buying presents, you can feel good about yourself for consciously making the choice to participate in the gift exchange, because you know it makes your family happy, and that is something you would like. On the other hand, you might suggest that everyone pitch in to get something for dad that he would really enjoy, eliminating any ‘gift competitiveness’ or suggest a price cap on the gift buying, because when you have a budget, you really have to be creative in finding something that the person would appreciate – which gives more meaning to the gift, and helps you think about the person a lot more than if you were to just pick up any old gift that you think might be appropriate.

Now, if you’re out somewhere and you see something that you think your friend/parent/etc would really appreciate, and you are able to, then get it for them, and give it to them the next time you see them. This not only shows them that you care, but it also demonstrates to them that you are comfortable giving gifts without the need for reciprocation. It also sets the stage for when a holiday comes up, and you are uncomfortable with the obligatory gifts, that person will recognize this, knowing that you aren’t opting out of giving a gift to be cheap or rude, but because the act of obligatory gifts makes you uncomfortable. It also helps put them in the frame of mine to appreciate your position, and possibly lead to their opting out of holiday gifts in the future. It’s a sort of pay it forward thing.

Now, there are many other instances where obligation comes into play. You may feel obligated to attend that incredibly uncomfortable family reunion that’s coming up. You may feel obligated to cut ties with some of your female friends now that you’re in a relationship and you don’t want your girl to be jealous. Same goes for women and their male friends. The list goes on.

What you can do is think about why you feel obligated. If you are doing something out of obligation, reassess if it’s something you truly want to do or not and make the active choice to either do it or not. If you feel obligated to do something, and you know you’re going to feel terrible doing it, and feel terrible after having done it… then don’t do it! If someone is going to stop being friends with you because you won’t buy them a present, then are they really the type of person you sincerely value as a friend? Choose what you do, and do it because you want to, not because you feel obligated to do it.

~Violet