So ladies, we’ve all ended up in bed with a guy where while the sex might have been good, but it just wasn’t great. But what can you do to make the experience better without bruising his ego? After all, most guys (whether they admit it or not) are very sensitive about their sexual prowess – or lack thereof – and it isn’t always easy to tell him what you want. Sure, we’d like to tell him to change what he’s doing but most of the time, he’ll go right back to doing what he was doing before in a matter of seconds. Then again, he might take the suggestion as a criticism and feel insulted, which then makes the sex awkward and uncomfortable. In the worst (and usually resorted to) scenario, frustration leads us fake an orgasm to get him to stop his futile attempt at pleasuring us, and to get the whole experience over with!
Now in the last scenario, it’s really a lose-lose-lose situation. Let me explain. First of all, you’re doing yourself no favor, because you just gave up on having a good time by opting out of making it better for yourself. That’s right, you may be thinking “…But what he was doing was terrible! How could I possibly be at fault for his errors and recover the situation once it’s gotten to that point?” Okay, I understand, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
The second part of the lose-lose-lose situation is that you’re doing him no favor, in fact, you’re doing him a disservice. By faking an orgasm, he believes that what he was doing was good – so good in fact, that it brought you to a screaming orgasm! He learns nothing from this, and if you decide to give him another try, he’ll just do the same thing, thinking it was successfully pleasing you.
Lastly, you’re doing other women a disservice by not speaking up about his uncomfortable or sometimes downright painful sexual techniques. Believing that he was doing good by you, he’s going to do the same thing with other women. Okay, okay, so maybe you don’t really care about what he does with other women – but think about it: if some other girl had communicated positively with him, you might not have experienced the sex with him that necessitated a faked orgasm.
So really, how can we tell a guy what we like in bed without bruising his ego? How can we stop him from doing something we don’t like without making the sex awkward? How can we ensure that we will have the best time possible and hopefully want to invite him back again?
First of all, the best way to increase your odds of having a great time in bed with a guy is to set the stage before hand. This will allow you to openly and candidly talk about what you like – while you’re fooling around with him – so that he wont be surprised by it or take any critique as a personal attack on his manly abilities. Sounds great, right? But just how do you do that?! You want to be able to communicate to him before you get started that you understand that every woman’s sexual needs are different and that it isn’t always easy for men to read the signals women think they’re giving out, and that you want to help him to help you have a good time. Sounds a bit much, but it can be done easily by saying something like,
“Hey, just so you know, I wanna have a good time with you, just as I’m sure you want to have a good time with me, so I’ll be happy to tell you what I like, or how you might do something differently to make it feel better for me, just as I’d hope you’ll do the same for me. Don’t worry, I wont be hurt or insulted if you ask me to stop a particular thing, change my technique, tell me what you’d like or whatever.”
See, that last little bit tells him don’t be a baby when I tell you what you’re doing is bad without actually saying that, and preventing any awkwardness or bruised ego that might arise from just such a situation.
Now that you’ve got that out of the way, and things are starting to heat up, it’s time to ask for what you like. I know it’s hard to put to words exactly what you like sexually, as not only are every woman’s sexual desires and ‘pleasure points’ different from one another, your own tastes and desires change from week to week, day to day, even by a matter of minutes, as you go through different stages of arousal. When you first get started before your blood is really flowing to all the right places, you might be more sensitive and require a lighter touch to feel good. Then, a little later when you are all hot n’ bothered and slathered up, you might enjoy a much firmer grip and more ‘rough and tumble’ rather than gentle caresses. And of course after an orgasm, your sensitivities will change yet again. So don’t feel pressure to explain what you like and when you’d like it, because even if you do know these things precisely, it wont help him much, because as things get going a lot of rational thought just goes out the window. Instead, try to use some key words and phrases to help him while you’re actually in the middle of the fun.
“Harder”
“Faster”
“A little to the left”
“Try circles instead of up and down”
“Ooh! I like what you did just there”
“Softer”
“Gentler”
You get the idea? Little interjections that offer instruction without requiring much thought on yours or his part. This way you wont interrupt your ‘sexual concentration’ and he wont have to stop to think about what he’s doing or what you mean, (or to nurse his ego!)
Something that I think we should all embrace is enjoying sex for just what it is. All too often we’re so heavily focused on achieving orgasm or worrying that he won’t be able to bring you to one that we are actually fighting against ourselves. You cannot achieve an orgasm until you have been able to relax your thoughts/stress/worries to a certain degree, and the more you focus on it, the harder it becomes. If you remove the expectation of that earth-shattering, mind-blowing, life-altering moment and enjoy the journey towards it, you’ll 1) be more likely to reach that moment, and 2) actually relax and enjoy the sex along the way, whether you reach orgasm during that particular encounter or not.
Having sex with someone new or someone inexperienced doesn’t have to mean you won’t have a good time, if you don’t let it. Nobody’s perfect the first time and it takes time to learn a new skill, for example: how to please a particular person’s body. If you’ve been going at it for a while and you’re reaching exhaustion, or too much frustration that an orgasm isn’t going to happen, then by all means, take a break! Tell him that you’re having so much fun, but you need a break to make sure you can still walk the next day! (by the way, guys love hearing this. They feel ‘macho’ for having the stamina to go for so long!) If you aren’t going to reach an orgasm with him right then, ask for a rain-check. If he’s been all worked up, of course be a good sport and help (or at least encourage) him to get off – think of it this way: if he were exhausted and you still needed to get off, you wouldn’t want him to just leave you with the female equivalent of ‘blue balls’ would you? Sometimes having him help you get off manually, or watching and encouraging you while you masturbate can be just as hot and satisfying as ‘the main event’, so to speak.
Lastly, after you’re done, and recovered, feel free to talk to him about the things he did that you especially enjoyed. This will help to massage his ego just in case he still took your suggestions the wrong way. Then, if there was anything he did that you didn’t like, but were unable to bring up at the time, you can bring it up now, gently of course. Suggest that instead of doing that thing he did, that he might try doing this thing instead. Then sandwich it between another compliment of something you really enjoyed, and he’ll be sure to feel good about wanting to do even better next time. Even if you never intend to give him another chance, he’ll have your advice in his head the next time he has sex with another girl, and he might just be more conscious to help her to instruct him on how to please her.
So there you have it. You’ve now turned a lose-lose-lose situation into an all-win situation. Not bad, huh?
Now go get ‘em, girls!
